Stuck In A Pagoda With Motoko Aoyama

No, their P.R.-purified announcement doesn’t come with the admission that they never liked each other ever or the much-needed steps for a scorched earth policy on themselves that includes the burning of their master tapes and a group suicide, but the Spice Girls – a manufactured product whose creator has since shoved the American Idle concept (which has not produced a wholly viable artist with either the talent, the listenability, or the longevity of its first winner, the admittedly worthy Kelly Clarkson) down this country’s collective throat – have finally wised up and packed it in, realizing that all the hype in the world could not legitimize a reunion that, unlike those of the Stooges, Van Halen, and Meat Puppets, no real music fan ever really wanted in the first place. Given that most of the people who had wasted $15 apiece on their CDs in 1997 either sold them at a loss or threw them away when they discovered real music, it was the only thing left for these no-talent tramps to do.

Now that the disease has finally eaten itself alive, it’s time for America and the world to make way for the cure to pop music’s ills…

Open up your wallets, American record companies, and get ready to start the bidding war for a girl band that, unlike the Spice Cunts, is more than worthy of the mantle held by the Ronettes, Supremes, and TLC:

The Japanese celebrate St. Valentine’s day in a rather unique fashion. Women give the men gifts of chocolate as well as other gifts.

While all of this may seem quite one-sided, confectioners in Japan – never ones to miss an opportunity to sell more – took advantage of the Japanese feelings of obligation and created “White Day” in 1980 to help assuage the guilt feelings of those poor obligated males who received chocolate on Valentine’s Day. On March 14th, exactly one month after Valentine’s Day, men who were lucky enough to receive gifts of chocolate have the chance to return the favor by giving the women who gave them gifts of chocolate a more expensive box of chocolate or sweets (for some reason or other, these return gifts seem to be priced slightly higher than those the women purchase). Again, the stores provide plenty of reminders of the approach of this day so that even the most forgetful man cannot say that it slipped his mind. The gifts of chocolate that men buy are in white boxes (after all, it is “White Day”) and come with separate shopping bags to put them in.

(Original text from http://www.tanutech.com/japan/valentine.html)

I wish I had the archives from MotokoAoyama.com v1.0 when Paul posted his original poll over at Hello!Blog, but unfortunately, since hair metal has never been given (let alone deserved) a favorable light in the same space as Iggy fuckin’ Pop, Morning fuckin’ Musume, or Miles motherfuckin’ Davis on this blog, I can’t compare my old results to my present ones, so I might as well get right to talking about my present choices.

1. Reina Tanaka. Obviously, this has not changed. Reina is still my favorite MoMusu. I mean, she’s the personification of my writer’s muse, and I started a worship blog for her in time for her 18th birthday, for Chrissakes! She’s just getting better with age.

2. Ai Takahashi. I know a lot of Western fans like to hate on Takitty, but I simply can’t. Takitty has a great voice and so far she’s handled herself well was leader since Miki Fujimoto pulled a disappearing act.

3. Koharu Kusumi. My future geinou adopted daughter. Her two character-driven solo albums are two of my favorite albums of late – the first one of my top albums of 2007 due to it being a great selection of pop and the second a beautifully, wonderfully twisted melange of music that would have the Residents scratching their eyeball-masked heads in awe. (Yes, I’ll finish the Kirarin Land review soon.)

4. Sayumi Mishishige. Not the best vocalist in the band (although she’s a lot better and a lot more listenable than a lot of people are willing to give her credit for. If she had been in Hello! Project around the time of the second shuffle units, she would have been perfect for San Nin Matsuri. For further platitudes on “Sayummy”, ask her biggest fan Langdon Alger.

5. Li Chun. Her and her fellow Panda Musume Qian Lin need to start standing out more on MoMusu’s records (something I’m sure will at least start to occur with MoMusu’s ninth studio album later this year), but visually, she seems to be the one who gets my attention first.

6. Aika Mitsui. Aika had the vocal skills from day one (witness her lines on “Egao YES Nude”) but over the past several months she’s been maturing rather quick. Have you seen her insert card in the “Mikan” single? In a few years, people will be looking at her and going, “Hello, heartbreaker!!!”

7. Risa Niigaki. Damn, Risa, how’d you get so low on this list? No disrespect, girl, but that’s just how things worked out. I’m sure Langdon still loves you, though.

8. Eri Kamei. Dear Eri, don’t ever cut your hair that short again unless you’re going to frame your face with long bangs a-la Tionne Watkins.

9. Qian Lin. No disrespect to you, either, Lin-Lin (seems like you, Risa and Eri are in a three-way tie for last) but like I said for your fellow countrywoman, we’ll see how things stand after the 9th MoMusu album has been in my CD player and iPod for a few days.

Oh yeah, I should mention that I didn’t really do the Berryz Koubou and C-ute polls, so I’m not going to post them, at least right now. I’m much better at naming which songs of theirs are my favorites than putting names to most faces in both bands.

As I begin to type this entry out, I have my Numark TTUSB Turntable out and a 200-gram pressing by Classic Records of the enduring Miles Davis album Kind Of Blue – one of the greatest albums ever made in any genre – playing; specifically, side two in the middle of Julian “Cannonball” Adderley’s alto sax solo on “All Blues”. I seem to be playing this album in this particular format at least once a week – I have owned Kind Of Blue in a couple of its different CD issues (the early 80’s release with its unnecessary digital remix of the album’s tracks and a totally different cover photo, and the remastered edition released in 1997 that is the version readily available, the master of which the vinyl pressing I am presently playing is based on) and I must say, even through the Logitech iPod speakers that my turntable is presently plugged directly into, the record sounds absolutely incredible. Just mentioning this particular pressing of the album on my LiveJournal led my colleague Vee to remark, “Holy crap, CJ, I got chills just reading that sentence”’ – which makes me wonder how she would react if she had been in the room with me to hear the actual record.

Vinyl has been making a rather unique resurgence over the past few years, notable enough for Time magazine to recently write an article about the phenomenon. The format has never disappeared – punk rock, alternative/indie rock, hip-hop, and electronic dance music have all kept the format alive, but most chain music stores do not stock them (unless they’re as big as Virgin Megastore’s Times Square, New York location).

Ironically, one national chain that is carrying some vinyl is Hot Topic. Don’t laugh. It’s not a wide or even a large selection – the selection is limited to some punk, alternative and metal releases (not surprising given Hot Topic’s sales demographic), but if you wanted to grab Paramore’s Riot! or No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom on colored vinyl, or a picture disc of Fall Out Boy’s Infinity on High or Slayer’s South Of Heaven (not Reign In Blood, American Recordings?), you’d be set.
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The reaction so far to my previous post about Radicalquisling has been, save for one sole dissenter, absolutely positive. Thank you, everyone that has commented so far.

And in a further rocking of my whole f’n sock drawer, the lovely Vee chose tonight to surprise me with a new version of the Reina Tanaka/Robert Fripp banner for this blog. Thank you, Vee, you are a true friend.

Imagine if you will… Lester Bangs, the legendary rock critic who championed The Stooges and their other proto-punk brethren in the likes of Creem and Rolling Stone, suddenly turning around and dissing those same bands in favor of championing the acoustic soft-rockers like James Taylor that he once loathed with a passion.

While the case I am about to discuss is not as extreme as that, it is a proper parallel to the situation at hand.

The pseudonymous blogger “Radicalpatriot”, who up until recently championed Morning Musume and Hello! Project just as much as this writer did, if not more, went from visiting rakuen to see our heroines and came back from the States having decided to no longer promote the matter of bringing Morning Musume and Hello! Project to a non-Japanese audience wider than their current (and growing) cult status.

He claims in a recent board posting at American Wota (some weird internet glitch at wherever he was posting from kept him from accessing his normal posting URLs) that the live MoMusu/H!P experience was more about the fans than the singers onstage, or in his words, “The crowd is the show”. What gave him this clue, or at least what led him to such a rather ridiculous conclusion, is unclear. “The crowd” is not and never will be the show. The crowd is not why MoMusu/H!P music is finding its way to American homes – it, contrary to Rad’s sudden claim is, is all about those young ladies and their music. That’s why that crowd is there in the first place.

I don’t know whether it was some weird culture shock, or Rad’s once-well-meaning habit of hyperbole and overanalysis going more overboard than sanity should allow, but his recent statement simply smacks of betrayal, period.

If Radicalpatriot (or more appropriately at this point, Radicalquisling) wants to deal with rebellious Morning Musume fans, he needs to look no further than his home country and see the growing legion of American music fans who have chosen the high quality songs, albums, recordings, and performances of Morning Musume and other J-pop acts (not just ones from Hello! Project) as an alternative to the old-guard music industry trying to forcefeed watered down and unmemorable pop acts like Hannah Montana and whatever else is clogging 90% of your average Top 40 radio hour at any time in any part of this country.

If he’s not willing to continue to champion the cause of bringing Morning Musume and other great J-Pop to the United States on a mainstream basis, I am. It was part of my game plan for this blog for 2008 long before he went to Japan, and I’m more than determined to fire up that campaign now.

It’s on, motherfuckers. Who’s with me?

According to the fistful of links provided by Brother Ray at International Wota, Viyuden are going to call it a career (as a group anyway – they’ll all still be with H!P and Rika Ishikawa is already involved with Ongaku Gatas) this June.

It sucks – I enjoyed all of their singles and their Suiteroom Number 1 album – but in a way I should have seen it coming considering that their “second album” was really a collection of all of their A-sides (sequenced in reverse order of release. Hopefully we’ll get at least one last single from the trio before June.

The question remains, who’s going to keep up the sexy quotient in Hello! Project now? Besides Reina, that is.

Picking up where I left off last time…

5. Radiohead – In Rainbows (Initially self-released; physical edition on TBA Records/RED Distribution) – In which a best-selling band tells Capitol/EMI to fuck off, tries out the validity of selling music as name-your-own-price stand-alone mp3s, and succeeds. Oh yeah, the album’s pretty fucking good, too. In a post-script, now that the physical release is out, I’m planning to get my own copy… of the vinyl edition. (http://www.inrainbows.com, available on CD, vinyl, and through iTunes)

4. Bright Eyes – Cassadaga and Four Winds EP (Saddle Creek (US)/Polydor (EU)) – Having tried everything from four-track basement recordings to simultaneous electronica and folk workouts, Conor Oberst proceeds to channel Electric Warrior-era T.Rex by way of Brian Wilson and succeeds quite nicely. The preceding Four Winds EP is included here because the five “B-sides” on it are just as strong as the album tracks and could have easily fit amongst the rest of the track sequence if Conor and company had so chosen to shoehorn them in. (http://www.saddle-creek.com and http://www.thisisbrighteyes.com, available on CD, 180-gram vinyl (Cassadaga is a 2LP set) with bonus mp3 download, and through iTunes)

3. Koharu Kusumi – Mitsuboshi (Zetima) – The first of two semi-pseudonymous solo albums from Morning Musume’s Miracle Beam in 2007 (her second, Kirarin Land, came out too late for this list and will be explored in more detail later in the week), Koharu (sometimes as herself, sometimes as her animated doppelganger Kirari Tsukashima) delivers a wildly varied set of pop songs. A solid debut effort even though technically, it’s not really supposed to be her first solo album… or is it? (http://www.helloproject.com, available on CD)

2. The Stooges – The Weirdness (Virgin/Caroline) – Negative reviews be damned: this was worth the 30-plus-year-wait. Anyone declaring this album to be “weak”, “modern”, or “sellout” didn’t really listen to this album and shouldn’t consider themselves to be punks or even music lovers. And yes, almost a year since this album dropped, I must admit that Steve Albini’s hands-off “production” isn’t all there sometimes (the bass is barely audible on “Passing Cloud”). Fortunately, the songwriting by Iggy and the Asheton Brothers, and the playing by the entire band (with new Stooge Mike Watt on bass, and punk rock’s answer to John Coltrane, Steve MacKay, returning to his Fun House sax position) is more than solid enough to make up for it. (http://www.myspace.com/iggyandthestooges, available on CD, double LP and on iTunes)

1. Morning Musume – Sexy 8 Beat (Zetima) - This time around, they get the top spot all to themselves and with good reason. Starting off both 2007 and their 10th Anniversary with a bang, they delivered a studio effort that is solid from beginning to end (featuring one of their best ever singles, “Egao YES Nude”, and one of their most underrated, the preceding “Aruiteru”), both this album and the Stooges’ album coming out early in 2007 made the rest of the year a veritable anti-climax musically. It’s only a matter of time before the rest of the world catches up with these young ladies. (http://www.helloproject.com, available on CD)

Sorry to take so long to answer this, but…

go-go*FIGHTEEN! had a blog entry last weekend where she basically tried to explain how Morning Musume’s music, however good, was secondary to their image.

Bullshit.
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5. Alvin & The Chipmunks “Christmas Don’t Be Late”. Original, OLD-SCHOOL Alvin and company. No CGI or ProTools involved.

4. Joey Ramone & Friends “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight)”. A live rendition from the last show Joey ever performed (12.11.01).

3. Reina Tanaka “Kira Kira Fuyu No Shiny G” . Not really a Christmas song, but it was on Morning Musume’s 7.5 Fuyu Fuyu EP that came out right beforehand, and what Tanakachiii fanatic wouldn’t want The Wonkylicious Sex Bomb under their tree?

2. PetitMoni “Pittari Shirari Xmas”. A live version. This one’s for Vee, who adores Hitomi as much as I adore Reina.

1. Spinal Tap “Christmas With The Devil”. From their appearance on Saturday Night Live… in May of 1984, complete with the interview that preceded. At least there wasn’t an 18-inch Stonehenge this time around.

And finally… one of my short stories, “The Man In The Hummer”, was accepted for publication by <"http://www.myspace.com/jadedsilencepress">Jaded Silence Press for their horror anthology Deliver Us From Evil, to be released in early 2008. More on a release date when I get it. I found out Saturday afternoon and sent them the corrected final draft yesterday. –>

MERRY CHRISTMAS!