Goodbye, Farewell, and Fuck Off And Die, Spice Cunts…
No, their P.R.-purified announcement doesn’t come with the admission that they never liked each other ever or the much-needed steps for a scorched earth policy on themselves that includes the burning of their master tapes and a group suicide, but the Spice Girls - a manufactured product whose creator has since shoved the American Idle concept (which has not produced a wholly viable artist with either the talent, the listenability, or the longevity of its first winner, the admittedly worthy Kelly Clarkson) down this country’s collective throat - have finally wised up and packed it in, realizing that all the hype in the world could not legitimize a reunion that, unlike those of the Stooges, Van Halen, and Meat Puppets, no real music fan ever really wanted in the first place. Given that most of the people who had wasted $15 apiece on their CDs in 1997 either sold them at a loss or threw them away when they discovered real music, it was the only thing left for these no-talent tramps to do.
Now that the disease has finally eaten itself alive, it’s time for America and the world to make way for the cure to pop music’s ills…
Open up your wallets, American record companies, and get ready to start the bidding war for a girl band that, unlike the Spice Cunts, is more than worthy of the mantle held by the Ronettes, Supremes, and TLC:
February 29th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
I am often a lurker of your blog and agree with many of your points on Morning Musume’s legitimacy as artists; moreover, I enjoy how well articulated and thought your arguments are, even on points that I may disagree with.
That said, I would have to disagree with this post almost entirely. Foremost, that calling them “cunts,” and suggesting that they commit a group suicide is more than just a little too harsh an excessive for someone who prides MM as a group that is “worthy of the mantle held by the Ronettes, Supremes, and TLC.” Although I enjoy MM and Hello!Project’s music immensely, and consider myself a fan ranking pretty high on the wota scale, I also can take a step back and see the quality of their work as artists from a more objective perspective.
MM is not a unique musical group. Even amongst it’s Japanese peers–many of whom rightfully so can be considered MM rip-offs–they are not the first to establish the girl group genre. If anything, that title would go to Speed or, heck, even Pink Lady. The Hello! Project concept as a whole isn’t anything innovative either–Johnny’s, although full of guys, has the Japanese pop group down to a perfect science and, by album sales and chart rankings alone, is many times more of a commercial success.
Musically, they aren’t anything unique either. This is in no way to claim that they don’t produce catchy singles or well produced albums; Tsunku is a truly prolific master of the craft. But that is exactly the problem–Morning Musume is basically a tool for Tsunku’s talent as a songwriter and mogul. It is not the vocals of the song that make it special. Sure, each member has a unique voice, some better than others, but that’s not what’s going to make or break the song for you, right? As long as the vocals are bearable, we can ignore an excess of falsetto because of lack of range, and other places where they may lack vocally. And, although singers don’t necessarily have to all be Whitney Hustons to make a song work and be wonderful, that doesn’t make MM any less ordinary–MM’s sound is so replicated and everywhere that it’s almost passe. The actual songs as well–sure they vary in composition, and they are actually good songs, but they are identical to most others on the J-pop market.
Lyrically, MM lacks anything deep or profound, and makes no strides in that respect. And that’s okay, because that’s not the point of MM’s music–it’s to make you feel good. Which brings us to my point:
The Spice Girls had alright voices, okay. Lyrically, they had much to be desired (although, unlike MM, they actually co-wrote each of their songs). They lip-synched at concerts, sure. But there was nothing, nothing like them on the market in the same way that MM is like AKB48, or Arashi is like KAT-TUN. Musically they did nothing particularly notable, but nothing sounded like them on the radio.
And, from the perspective of a female reader, only a young elementary schooler during the Spice Girl’s brief existence, there had never been anything more empowering. It is cool to be a girl, girls can do anything, girl power–these all hammered down like mantras. It was cool to be loud and wear friendship bracelets and be naughty or nice and not have to conform. They were idols in a way that MM is not to you–people to look up to.
And all of this–all of this impact on an entire generation of people–within such a short period of time, and without even touring as a 5-piece unit once.
So as soon as the tickets were marked on sale, I happily snatched up floor tickets for their NJ show. And, Good Lord, I enjoyed every minute of it. And so did the heaven-knows-how many people in the stadium with me. I wouldn’t say that I’m a veteran concert goer–in fact, my experience only amounts to about 16 or 17 shows in my entire life (not counting being toted to Lollapalooza as a toddler and various classical, jazz, and otherwise non-recording artists)–but I have never felt such a feeling in my entire life as being with all these people who I grew up with, screaming and singing along to songs with me–people with whom I felt this earnest connection with without even having met them before. I saw Van Halen’s reunion, and the Stooges and the Dolls, and the Pumpkins, but never felt that kind of feeling before. That aside, they put on quite a show, and actually sang, to even my surprise. But the singing is not what I came for; it was the experience.
And that is what sold out thousands of tickets. That’s what made people snatch them up within minutes. Sure, they were just doing it for a quick payday, and really, who wouldn’t? Every other reunion tour is probably enjoying the cash flow as much as they are, and can probably deal with members who they despise for that purpose alone. (*cough*thePolice*cough*) For exactly that reason, they had no need to continue on with the remainder of their engagements. I agree that they were pretty crappy for doing it, but they had no real motivation for continuing–as, unlike Eddie or Iggy, they are full-time mothers of young children.
So stop hating on the Spice Girls. And please don’t call them cunts–not only is it crude and misogynistic, but also not earning you points on anyone’s part.
February 29th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Liana,
Thank you for your comments. Your literate and well thought out response - unlike the Spice Girls themselves - gets my respect.
I’m sorry, but I can’t stop hating on the Spice Girls. I never found anything redeeming in them. I hated “Wannabe” from day one, and no other song I heard of theirs compelled me to change my opinion of them. They came, they were horribly overrated, they burned out quick… you know the rest.
Whether the Spice Girls co-wrote their songs or not doesn’t matter. How were the songs themselves? I didn’t like any of their music and thus didn’t get the same connection that I got with TLC before Lisa Lopes died (I still love them, and all of their albums have been on my iPod since day one, but after hearing more than two of their songs I have to stop because it pisses me off that she’s no longer here on this planet) or that I get with Morning Musume today.
Two things though: How do you know what Morning Musume is or isn’t to me (unless your sentence in question was a typo and you meant “now” instead of “not”)? And why would one of the Spice Girls even need the money considering that her husband is David Beckham? (I can picture the other four begging her to complete the original lineup so that they could pull the reunion off properly.)
Anyway, don’t worry - I won’t be calling the Spice Girls “that” word anymore as long as they stay broken up. I don’t snark very often on this blog (that usually tends to come out through “Reina” on SoHotSheShitsFire.com), but in the case of the Spices, they had it coming from me.
And feel free to comment more often at my blog - every music blog writer should have readers as eloquent as you are.
P.S.: You saw the Stooges, too, huh? Since you attended the Spice’s NJ show, am I to assume you were at the Electric Factory in Philly for the Stooges’ show there last April?
March 5th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
I’m sorry for responding to this so late (livejournal crowds up my inbox on serious levels, haha).
I’ll try to respond to this the best I can without being hypocritical of what I previously already commented, as that was unintentionally impossibly long winded and probably extremely repetitious and nonsensical at parts.
I wasn’t trying to say that the quality of the Spice Girls’ music was that substantially great, or at all superior to that of MM (I listened to a ton of shitty music as a child, so it’s no wonder–and in the end, music is all a matter of personal preference, right?). I’m only trying to compare them very objectively in terms of what they represented industry-wise and commercially in comparison to MM. Frankly, they wielded much more influence in both respects than MM ever did and has done.
#1: That was probably a typo or something. I have no right to give any sort of explanation like that.
#2: Well, not all of them were lucky enough to marry Becks. And I think that a reunion tour is much better than being on that really annoying sauce commercial or doing nudie shots.
The whole thing about “cunt” is not that I have any problem with profanity or anything, but I’m sick of it being the new “bitch” and being thrown around by Jefree Star and his massive army of scenewhores like free candy, when it is higher up on the list of profanity to me than most other things. So forgive me for taking that out on you. XD I have no problem with snark, though. SoHotSheShitsFire is hysterical.
Thank you for the compliments on my writing!
…And, in response to the PS, I was! I live in New York City, but generally purchase concert tickets out-of-state since they’re easier to get your hands on. And truthfully, the music scene in the City compared to other places nowadays is generally dilapidating, so it’s funner to see shows in places with a thriving, easy-to-access indie band scene.